I Need A New Comforter...

I need a new comforter, but there's an old familiar discomfort in buying one.

You see, In my eyes, spending more than $20 on anything is a gamble that will always result in the bottom of my stomach turning into a quarry. I was raised on Village Discount and Clearance sections, so ever since growing into my adulthood responsibilities and financial stressors... money becomes more than a little overwhelming.

I need to go back to school, but what if I don't?

What if this next project, or an upcoming opportunity I still don't even know about yet, changes my life forever? What if I get everything I've ever dreamed of? It's a naive belief, wishful thinking... yet affording to go back to school right now is just as much a fantasy! The pressure to perform entangled with the pressure to provide. So, what if I do something I've never done before, instead?

I need to take more risks... but I find myself juggling fire day by day as it is.

Make more friends, join more clubs, prove I ever made a sound, and improve. Always on the offense against my own goals. And at the end of the day, I find it hard to advertise something I can't even recommend? How am I to convince someone to be my friend during the time in my life where I've struggled most with being my own. I hold my breath, balancing on the fence between experience and wisdom.

I need to loosen up, and straighten out.

Sometimes, you lose the battle to win the war. I want to learn how to lose. Unlike any other skill, you can't quite catch on to grace without first knowing exactly why it's worth it.

I think I'm still learning why.